I have this friend... and her emotions are so unstable. I really worry about her. She's not one of those people that are like, all depressed and show signs of suicide, she's one of those people who fake their smiles, say everything is great, and hide how they really feel. She is such a good person.. she reminds me of myself if I would have hid my emotions. I care about her alot.. and today in 2nd block there's a guy that she likes. I've never known her to really like a guy, I mean, sure there's guy's she thinks is hott.. but she really likes him.. and she doesn't have a boyfriend.. so she was hoping that they copuld get together.. but he doesn't even act interested. Today is the last day of school, so she was wanting to give him her number, and maybe he'd call her over the summer.. well, he didn't even want to take it. He said that he doesn't call anyone.. I told him that she liked him, and that he should just call her.. and she was so sad.. I could tell.. I don't know.. just something about her I can tell when she's sad... I know what her fake smiles look like.. then this girl came over and started talking to him, and he was flirting with that other girl, right in front of my friend... so she looked at me and she says "Guns are nice." I'm like.. what?! I told her that she better not do anything like that... I told her that I was about to cry because she kept telling me that she wasnt going to and she kept saying how much she loved life, and I was like.. I can tell you're lying.. please don't do anything like that.. I care about you... I'm supposed to see you over the summer.. and she's like aww don't cry.. and I just.. feel terrible for her. She one of my really good friends and if anything ever happened to her I would feel like it was my fault, because there's always something that I could say... always something I could do... I just hope she doesn't do anything...

Kelly and I were talking about piercing her belly button last saturday.. and I was like.. I really want to pierce mine.. so I took the biggest needle I could find.. and pierced it in class. Then.. I found a bigger needle, but it was dull. So I went to the bathroom, and pulled out the needle, and stuck the bigger one through... it wouldn't go through the other side.. and I was pushing as hard as I could... I finally got it to go, and when it did, it made a popping sound. I told Jake.. but I'm not sure what he thinks. Yeah.. if it makes him mad then.. I guess I'll take it out. Whitney is gonna give me a ring.

But anyway.. here's the (supposed to be)poem that describes a picture.. it doesn't rhyme.. but... yeah..

Winter Sunshine
The sun shines bright and beautifully, casting golden rays onto the autumn leaves atop a rolling hill. The valley is filled with the essence of fall among the trees. As the sun travels through the valley, it becomes blocked by the slowly dying trees covered with soft snow. It creeps through, trying to bring warmth to the freezing stream that is cluttered with selfish rocks. The rocks slowing the streams path are concealed with blankets of snow. As the sun continues down throughout the valley it is increasingly being cast out by the crowded trees.

We were supposed to describe a picture that she gave us using at least 15 adjectives. So.. I thought it was good. Hah, I did a self-portrait poem too.. I wasn't being serious with it, cause I didn't really want to write about myself.. so yeah..

A girl's self portrait poem
My hair and hands are soft like silk.
My teeth are full of calcium like milk.
My eyes are like vast oceans of blue with tiny green fish swimming around.
Sometimes my fingernails have dirt under them, like that you find on the ground.
I have tiny hairs on my back, like the fuzzy stuff on a peach.
The soles of my feet ocassionally get rough, like sand on a beach.
I paint my fingernails with black polish like the dark lonely night,
and I have a bruise on my arm informing me that Steven likes to bite.
I live in a state that I hate, and I drink Jones Soda.

I took the last part from Jayme, but the rest was mine... I didn't know a good way to end it.. so I just.. quit rhyming. Jayme wrote a beautiful one about a picture of Cory.. and here's the one the Zach wrote:

Kill all the moments that are true
True blood it lies inside of you
And gives me reasons, reasons why
I tried, to make, you so alive
And now it seems like you are dead
Dead on arrival like a bullet to the head
Now there's nothing left of you, left of me
We lie alone, and we truly bleed
We sold our souls to gloom and dream
We live our lives in silent screams
We cry alone but no one knows
But here tonight the true blood flows
Lost in the darkness if the night
Imaginations stir and fill our minds with fright
Distil the blood inside your veins
And feed the earth with your remains
And now it seems you've left my arms
I said I would hold you and protect you from all harm
And like this night I'm gone as well
To live forever with you in the depths of hell

Zach fillmore

If you want to take that... please give him credit. It wouldn't be fair to him if I posted it on the internet and someone took it and claimed it as theirs.

My belly button is sore...

I have a religion now. I am not saying that I'm wiccan yet.. but I'm reading up on it and I'm seriously going to do it after I learn enough. I feel bad, cause I had planned on doing a self-dedication prayer.. but... I didn't. I need to.

Bleh.. It's been a while since I put anything on here. I've been in a way better mood since then so I guess I had no reason to put up anything, cause I use this to vent and stuff....
but in case you're interested:
We've been doing poetry in English. I'm no poet, but I like writing it. I like to write stuff even if it sounds stupid, cause it just lets out alot of emotions that I have going on. I usually critisize whatever I write pretty harshly... I don't know why, but like after I write something I can always see it's flaws.

I was going to post it... and type alot more about alot of stuff... but we only have about 5 minutes... I guess I'll type it all tomorrow if I have time... I'm finally doing my work in here. :D

I have poison ivy/oak on my face! It itches sooo bad! But I'm not supposed to scratch it..

Today's Jake's birthday! I made him a cake and bought him a shirt and card.

Vermilion Pt. 2
by Slipknot

She seen trust in all of me, stretched across my shame.
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through the cover in me
Id do anything ever to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I dont know what to do, I dont know what to do when she makes me sane.

She is everything to me
The unaquited dream
A song that no one sings
The unobtainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I dont know what to do, I dont know what to do when she makes me sane.

But I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me

A catch in my throat
Choke, dawn into pieces I wont
No, I dont want to be this

But I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me

She isnt real
I can make her real
She isnt real
I can make her real

I love that song.

I can't make him go away.
I can't make the images disappear.
I close my eyes and the pictures are clearer.
I open them and everything around me is blurry from tears.
I try to be secretive about it, but my sniffling gives away my emotions.
Hiding behind my hair tears continue to stream down my cheeks.
Hearing questions around me but failing to speak.
I'm trying to forget. Trying so hard.
As the tears slowly come to a stopping point, I stare.
I stare at this computer screen, filled with words coming from within me.
Thinking how lame it is to be posting such a thing.
But it helps.
Spilling my emotions onto the keyboard as they make their way to the screen, the image fades.
The image will remain my secret. Forever.
Locked within my mind, every now-and-then it escapes, in forms of tears.
Leaving, yet somehow staying within.
All the innocents areound me have no clue.

I quit. You guys should check out xanga.com. It's way cooler.

------------------------- ------------------------- -----------------

Tblog is begining to bore me. Xanga is way cooler. Yeah. I think I'm gonna quit typing in this thing. I don't know. We have 6 more weeks of school then we get Summer vacation. I dread it to be honest. I am so dependant on friends and everyone, to help me get through my day.. and I'll be all alone on durring the summer.

I feel like punching this guy in the face! Every fucking day he makes remarks about eating disorders. That shit is serious. It isn't funny. This girl called him fat and he's like "Oh my gosh, I'm fat?? I'm gonna go starve myself now." Grrrr fucking prick! I hope someone knocks him on his ass.

I have had the same song stuck in my head for the past 2 blocks.
"Your lipstick, his collar don't bother angel, I know exactly what goes on."
yeah. Taking Back Sunday. I like that song, but I refuse to kneel down to the whole "Be emo, be cool" scene. I was joking with my boyfriend walking down the hall, saying that I'm gonna go buy those old school glasses, the clothes and everything, then I'm gonna be all 'emo' and cool. Then I'll ditch all my simple indvidualist friends and join with the emo kids. The friends I have now rock! I wouldn't ditch them for anyone. I hate that if you listen to a certain type of music you are supposed to do the whole sterotype thing. Like, listen to metal and you dress in all black, listen to rap and dress in baggy jersey shirts.. stupid shit like that. Unfortunaly, I kinda fit in to the metal "Gothic" catagory. I hate having a labe so every now and then I mix it up. Like used to be, everyone knew me as the short gothic girl, with too much eyeiner, and always wore black. I added to my woredrobe a few colorful shirts, and blue jeans. Whatever. I'm just rambling. I'm ready to go eat lunch, lately I've been getting cheeseburger, fries, a fruit cup, and orange juice everyday. I like the school cheeseburgers though. I usually eat a few fries, and give the rest to Eddie, then take a few nites out of the little fruit cup, and at the end chug down my orange juice. Yeah. Ok, I'm not saying anything important so I best be going.

Yeah, my grade in here (computer apps) has dropped down to a D. I haven't done the past 9 assignments for my potrfolio so I'm in deep shit. I knew it would catch up to me eventually.. maybe over spring break i'll post some random things...

Later

Yep, we made muffins last block in Life Skills, and they were the nastiest muffins I have ever tasted. Blehh! We put baking soda in there instead of baking powder. If anyone knows what baking soda tastes like, thats kinda what our muffins tasted like, only with a chocolate chip here and there. I took one bite out of it and the taste of baking soda almost made me gag. It was so nasty. My stomach actually hurts. Eww. I let Jake have a bite of it, and he got mad. It was just a joke... he didn't walk with me... whatever. If he's gonna get mad over a damn muffin then so be it. I don't care. It was just a baking soda filled muffin.. nothing to drastic I mean come on. I was wondering if it would like haha fry my intestines, or give me food poisioning.. but yeah. Cheetoe Boy tried them.. he was a little nicer then Jake was. That just.. I don't know.. kinda makes me mad cause it was a freaking muffin! Not even the whole thing. Sorry Jake. So.. I had to cut my last post short cause the bell rang. I was being serious about Tater Day. Haha it wouldn't sound so stupid if it was Potato Day, but yeah. I better go do my work cause I have a C in this class..

Has anyone heard Happy Together, by Turtles, I think it is. Yeah, I have the beat stuck in my head, I was humming it walking down the hall. Of course I didn't know all of the lyrics, so here they are:

Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night
It's only right
To think about the girl you love
And hold her tight
So happy together
If I should call you up
Invest a dime
And you say you belong to me
And ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be
So very fine
So happy together

{Refrain}
I can't see me loving nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me
Baby the skies will be blue
For all my life

Me and you
And you and me
No matter how they toss the dice
It had to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together

{Refrain}

Me and you
And you and me
No matter how they toss the dice
It had to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together

Baa baa baa ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba baa
Baa baa baa ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba baa

Me and you
And you and me
No matter how they toss the dice
It had to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together

So happy together
How is the weather?
So happy together
We're happy together
So happy together...

Yeah. I don't know why but I like that song. Damn.. my stomach hurts! 
I'm hungry. I had to borrow money from Kelly. The more words I type, 
the farther right the page goes. I hope that it doesn't mess up when I 
post it. I called Jacob last night. He said that he was just mad cause I was 
making fun of his beliefs. I didn't mean to point the converstaion towards 
him, I didn't even think he was listening. I apologized to him, saying that 
I should have respected him more by keeping it to myself. I told him that I have 
nothing aginst him due to his religion. So yeah, he was all well I'm sorry, blah blah blaa..
 and I guess we're cool. I don't really wanna talk to Jordan though. It kinda hurt
 to see her just walk away without even attempting to defend me. 
But whatever. So, we're learning how to fill out an application correctly. 
I remember seeing Steven's, and he did it way wrong. Like with the desired 
salary, he put down a specific number, instead of putting OPEN. So yeah. 
Just a little random info. It would be great if I didn't have 4th lunch. 
I want 2nd lunch. I have to wait until 1 to eat lunch. But yeah. 
It's Good Friday. Hmm.. maybe there is a Bad Friday. Yeah. Ok, 
I can't really think because my stomach is freaking out 
on me.. screaming "Feed me! Feed me!!" I wonder what we're 
having for lunch.

I don't believe in the whole "worship our lord God, and you shall forever walk beside him in his kingdom" thing, or "believe in God and He shall set ye free" FUCK GOD. If there was a god, there wouldn't be so much pain in the world. He loves each and everyone of us... bullshit. If he loved me, or anyone else, I wouldn't have so much pain built up inside, and it all just lingers there.. if god loved me he would have proteced me aginst my father. If he loved me he would of answered my fucking prayers the night my dad had me pinned to the floor, smothering me! FUCK GOD.. there is NO god. If there is, I have such a strong feeling of hate towards him.. for letting all this SHIT happen. I was just telling Kara that I didn't believe in him, and if there was a god, the world wouldnt be so bad... so like 30 minutes later... Jacob starts cracking jokes about bulemic people. I told him he shouldn't joke about that, and he just gets all offensive and says well you shouldnt joke about God. I told him I wasn't joking, I was serious, and just stating my opinion on Him, because I have a fucking right to express what I think, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion.. You can believe in God if you want, I have nothing aginst that, it is your opinion.. and the bell rings and as he's walking off he's like "Yeah, well you're just a whore". He even flipped me off after I walked out of the room, and yelled down the hallway, "so cause I don't believe in God i'm a whore huh Jacob??" Fucking little pansy wouldn't even face me.. I just felt like knocking his teeth out. I am a whore because I don't believe in God. Whores go to hell. I'm destined to an eternity of hellish damnation. I'm a whore... fuck if he knew how many people call me that... WHY am I a whore??!! because I don't believe in something that isn't there? Jordan didn't even say anything.. she just walked off with him..  I knew she wasn't my friend. Betrayed yet again. It never fails. I trust to many people, not anymore. I only trust 3 people. Jayme, Jake, and Amanda. Fuck everyone else. Lying little bitches. Jordan and her little god-worshiping boyfriend can just shove the whole "god is my savior" routiene right up their asses! Hope they have a happy life together in Heaven. He better not even try to apologize to me.. between me and them.. its over. I want nothing to do with them.

I'm a devil worshiping WHORE!

     Bulemia
1. Characterized by a pattern of binge-eating and purging.
2. Comes from Greek word meaning "the hunger of an ox"
3. Binges are triggered more by emotional upset.
4. Affects many college women and young working women
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  (late teens or early adulthood)
5.Usually:
     a. Within 10-15 lbs of normal (near normal) weight, healthy appearence
     b. Perfectionists and high achievers
    & nbsp;c. Very concerned about how they look and acceptance
     d. Emotionally insecure, frightened, lonely, feel inadiquite in their relationships
     e. Lacks self-confidence, low self-esteem
6. Development patterns of bulemia
     a. start a diet(to lose weight and improve self-esteem) that leads to hunger and craving for sweet, rich foods.
     b. Over-eating begins as a reaction to stress, anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, loneliness... = food is a comfort, an antidote for emotional pain, relief for hunger
     c. Guilt develops- guilt may turn into fear
     d. Purging is discovered - can now binge without gaining weight
     e. Habit takes hold - they fear that discovery will cause others to see their habit as disgusting, and look down upon (lose friends/relationships)
     f. MUST realize that binge and purge won't solve their problem/s then get help and treatment.
7. Signs of Bulemia
     A. abuse of purgativies (laxitives, diuretics, diet pills)
     B. abnormal interest in food - spend most of their time talking about food, dieting, and their weight, may go on food buying sprees or steal food, or money to buy food
     C. signs of secrecy - won't eat around others
     D. depression - isolate themselves, talk about suicide, some actually try
     E. Severe dieting and exercise
     F. Weight changes - weight fluctuates dramatically
     G. Changes in apperance - may cause skin rashes, dry skin, change in texture and quality of fingernails and hair, swollen salivary glands
     H. Substance abuse - many turn to alcohol or drugs to control eating or relieve depression and guilt
8. Health Problems:
     a. teeth - vomit destroys tooth enamel, severe tooth decay and damaged gums
     b. Heart - irregular heart rhythm from fluid imbalance in body. May cause heart failure and death.
     c. Digestive organs - nausea, stomach cramps, ulcers, fatal rupturing of the stomach
     d. Muscles - weakness from loss of potassium, cramps, stiffness, numbness in arms and legs
     e. Salivary glands - swollen or infected
     f. Esophagus - damaged by vomiting; cause pains, internal bleeding, perforation; sore throats and/or excessive coughing is common
     g. other organs- liver, kidneys- can lead to diabetes
     h. Menstrual cycle- amenorrhea = absense of cycle due to reduced hormone levels
9. Treatment
     A. medical evaluation
     B. hospitialization
     C. family therapy
     D. group therapy
     E. others= nutrition counceling, behavior modification, medication

 My 2nd block teacher gave us this worksheet. She gave us one on anorexia too.... just some random info

When I got home yesterday, my dad was there. He sold his truck, and bought a cheaper one. He bought a trailor... I can't believe this is actaully happening. I never thought my dad would move out. I never thought this would happen. It's just weird. He told me that he's heart broken. Well didn't he think about us when he was screaming?? Doesn't he know that I've been heart broken since the first time he hit me? Fuck. I know he lost almost everything, but what about me? I lost love for my dad a long time ago. I always wanted to jus be his little girl again. Just to run to him in tears and hug him, tell him how much I love him. I just.. don't feel anything for him. He drained me from every last bit of love that Sunday night. Thinking about all this stuff just makes me sad, so I'm not going to talk about it. Anyway, he took us to see his place, and it was nice. Small, but nice. It wasn't the fanciest thing, but it didn't look like some white trash trailor. The outside of it isn't a color I would chose, but I'm only going to stay in it every few weekends. The people weren't home, so we went to get something to eat. I FINALLY got to try the Cheddar Jack Chicken Wrap. It was good, I say Brittney. It was funny, cause we were talking about eating there yesterday. After we ate we went back to see if the people were there.. and they were so we looked at his trailor.. and he talked for like 2 hours... I was getting cold.. and growing impatient. I wanted to go home so bad. Eventually, we left, and when I got home, my cousins were there. My mom was leaving for work.. so after she left my dad stayed for a few minutes. Yeah.. that's about it. I only see my mom for about 2 hours after I get home, cause she has to go back to work. It's not too bad, cause she doesn't work on weekends sometimes. I don't feel like doing anything. I wish these fucking mood swings would stop! I wish I could just be happy. Fuck.. that's what zoloft is supposed to do, make me happy.  Maybe after I eat lunch I'll feel better. Jake isn't here today, and I won't see him this weekend. Haha, I am attached cause I miss him already. I can't stop thinking about him, his beautiful eyes, the way he smells, the way he laughs, haha his cool accent, his not-so-funny jokes, but the way he tells them makes me laugh. I always think about him, and past memories I have with him. The homecoming game, the dance, when we went to the movies, and the time we forgot our money for the movies, when I rode the pony, and made him laugh.. (probably from embarassment), when I would always go over to Lesa's and play with Adam, then hang out with Jake.. and watch movies.. the spongebob game.. when we bought cameras, and went to petsmart for no particular reason.. all the hugs.. the trip to shell.. gosh. I've learned so many things from him. i've learned that I am able to love, and how to truly care, and be concerned for someone else. I fucking love him so much.. I know that I say it alot, but each time I mean it.. each time, it really is how I feel. I don't know what I would do without him..

I think I was just having mood swings. It sucks being a hormonally challenged girl sometimes. I saw Jake before this class, and he made me laugh, and that helped. Is it a bad thing to be so attached? He brought it up, and I've been thinking about it. I always thought it was normal, cause if you love a person enough you should want to spend every second with them. Can a person be too attached? I don't know.
     I'm reading the coolest book, From The Corner Of His Eye by Dean Koontz. I started reading it before, but then I had too much stuff to do, and not enough free time to read. It jusmps from one character and setting, to a completly diffrent one, then back to the same one, then to a completly new one. But it isn't really hard to follow. it has 83 chapters and 729 pages.
     I swear, those guys in my class are complete morons! It makes me so mad how stupid they can be. But, whatever.. I had to sign up for classes for my sophmore year. I was thinking:

Intro To Buisness
English II
Biology I
Algebra IB
Algebra II
World Civ.
Physics
Government/Economics

Ha, I have one elective. I figured I'd get all the required shit done, that way I can goof off my senior year. I wanted to take French I & II, but I will do that my junior year. It makes me so mad that I failed my Algebra IA class. I so could of passed it! I knew how to do all that stuff. So I have to pass my English I, Algebra IA, and Computer Apps class. I'm not worried about Life Skills. I know I can do it, I have the ability, just not the.. concentration (right word??) for it. I want to be either a photographer, or a psychiatrist, or some kind of counsler. I know, me, of all people, wanting to be a psychiatrist. As messed up as my life is, all I want to do is help other people with their problems. I want to make people's lives better, I don't want them to be depressed, or suicidal. I just want to help out, It gives me a sense of, usefullness, to know that I'm helping them get through a hard time in their life. Haha, if I saw that counsler that I talked to, Dain was his name I think, I would definatly thank him. I only saw him once though, cause he said it was my choice whether I wanted to see him again or not. He said I should still talk to someone, even though I don't. There I go again, talking about the past.... bleh.
     I'm hungry. I think I'm going to eat lunch today. 2nd time this whole semester. I wonder what we are having for lunch. I saw a commercial for Arby's Cheddar Grilled Chicken wrap... or something like that, and it looked soo good. I know fast food is totally unhealty, but I could hear it calling my name. Saying "eat me lindsey, please, you know you want to... I'm soo good". Yeah.. damn I wish I had one right now.

Edit/// "THE Song" is on. :D

I just feel like.. crying. I don't know why. I don't want to do anything. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want them at lunch to be all in my face so I'm just gonna suck it up. Just smile... it'll be ok. 

That last post was, just what I was thinking about at the time. I get really depressed still, but I try not to show it, cause I don't want to make others sad. I have no reason to be this upset. I don't know what's going on. I wish things weren't so confusing.

Edit// I have a solution... pms???

That was just so much fun. I can't stand that class. One reason being, everyone in there are complete control freaks, the other being they make comments without even knowing it has an effect on someone. I should probably be paying attention, I'm just not in one of the best moods. I feel like just jumping onto my bed and smothering myself into the blankets, free from the outside world, entering my own sanctuary. Alone. Away from everyone and everything. This is going to sound insane, and I don't want any bitchy comments for it, but I'm gonna say it any way. What's the point? Is there any specific reason for life? We are just going to die anyway. People beg for immortality, when others beg for death. The people that are sick of life, sick of problems, they can't understand why they are alive, maybe they have a point. Why go through life when there is so much pain? We are all going to die out anyway. Sure there are great things in life, and amazing people that you meet every once and a while, but for those who feel like suicide is the only way out, why not just let them kill theirself and end their pain. If they can't see that there are beautiful things in life, what makes anyone think they can change that persons mind? I was suicidal. Then people bagan to notice things, like scars, or even gashes in my arm. Then came along a magical little drug called Zoloft. Am I supposed to be happy now? Is that what is expected of me? I have gone for about, I would guess 2 months, without cutting myself, and maybe.. 5 months without wanting to die. I used to wish I was dead, just long for someone to kill me and just end everything. I was so blind, i couldn't see how selfish I was being. It was always me me me... please help me, please listen to me.. I didn't realize I wasn't the only one with problems. I still drink, on ocassion.. among other habits, but if just those 4 little words hadn't been said, I don't know where I would be. I don't think I ever had the balls to kill myself, it was all accidental, because I wasn't thinking. I tried to overdose on diffrent prescription medications, I just wanted a good buzz, but at the same time, I wanted to die. After it started to have an affect, I started thinking about everything. I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain I felt to stop. I eventually blacked out, and when I woke up I was glad I hadn't succeded in the effort to try and kill myself. I've cut myself, just to see if it really does end pain. I only made it worse. The emotional pain I was going through was temporarily distracted by the psychical pain. After a while, it didn't hurt anymore. So the cuts began to get deeper, and deeper. Until I just wouldn't stop bleeding. So as I was starring at myself in the mirror, I thought that I was going insane like literally crazy. I mean, no person in their right mind would cut themselves as a solution for pain. I thought I hit the vein, and maybe it was over. I began thinking about all the people in my life that meant something to me. That were there for me in my time of need, and I would no longer be there for them. I guess you could say I got lucky. I taught myself a lesson. People often don't learn from their mistakes. I think I did. A few weeks after I stopped, I just wanted to cut myself again so bad. It was like I depended on it. I don't know why I'm talking about this. It's just.. something that's been in the back of my mind for a long time. Itching to get out.

Last weekend was fun. I got my hair cut. I really like it this way. It is an angled bob cut.. that's what the woman who did it called it. She was so talkative. She told me all about cosmetology school and everything, like I was interested in becoming a hair dresser. It sounded okay at the time, but like I'm going to spend my whole life cutting other people's hair. I don't think so, I bet the pay isn't even that great. I wondered if this would make me look like a boy. I don't think it does. Man, my neck is killing me. It's so sore. She made me hold my head down for like 10 minutes straight while she chopped all my hair off. I'm going to make Jake give me a neck massage. Well, I won't force him, but it would be really nice if he did.

New subject.. I have nothing of importance to talk about. My shirt has holes in it, and I'm waiting for Mrs. Willamson to make me change it. Hmm so la dee da.. Nothing to say, I'm just typing and wasting time. Kay, I'm gonna go, I can't put this work off any longer.

So by the title, you can probably tell that this is going to be.. oh so interesting. Today has been.. weird. My ex told me that he liked me, and yeah it just caught me off guard. If he thinks I'm gonna get back together with him he's wrong. I love my boyfriend, I wouldn't leave him for anyone. I'm not gonna fuck something this amazing up. I have The Bum Bum Song stuck in my head. It's not very fun, when you fall down on your bum. Oh, my bum is on the cheese, my bum is on the cheese! Haha it's about Tom Green's bum. This is the Tom Green Show, It's not the green Tom show, this is my favorite show.. because it is my show. I like the Tom Green show. Jake thinks Tom Green is weird.. or something along those lines. i think he's hilarious. So blah not much to say. I feel like this is useless cause I don't have any brilliant thoughts. BTW no one ever answered my question about the dollar sign being in front of the amout. I'm very curious. Yeah I might type more later or something. I hear music. It's weird. It can't be the band... cause I'm on the second floor. Hmm.. maybe it's a movie. Ever since Jake got me that Gumby doll, I havn't had nightmares. I wonder why that is. Maybe it's just because when I sleep with it, it gives me a sense of comfort? I don't know. I've been having nightmares lately, really really bad ones that make me wake up and discover that i've been crying. i think it's cause of Zoloft. I wonder if I still need it. I hate the thought of depending on a drug to make me happy. I'm jelous of all the naturally happy people, with no worries, no pain.. and their biggest problem is choosing something to wear every morning. If only I were naturally happy... but I wouldn't trade my life for anything. As screwed up as it can be at times, I have something no one else does. He's what makes me happy. I wish there was a way to express to him how much he means to me.

I can't remeber the name. Wow Not talking about that. I feel sleepy. But it is in a good way. I am happy. But also sleepy. Starts with a c.. cerliquil.. something. Happy. Sleepy

Happy, sleepy.

Happy vs sleep

Funny, drunk, sleepy

Happy. Careless.

Edit// Having hiccup spazzims

I have quite a dilemma. My emotions have been fucked up lately, and I am wanting to know the cause of all this. It's confusing. I don't know if it's allergies, or mood swings, or just the meds I'm on that are messing me up. It makes me angry not knowing what's going on inside my head. I'm supposed to know that stuff, right?

So whatever, I was sitting in class a few minutes ago and just typing out my assignment, and all the sudden everything I look at with my right eye gets blurry. I was like, great, my contact is messed up again. But then I noticed it wasn't in my eye. So I was looking around, on my shirt, on my pants, it looked like I was groping myself. I'm going to get glasses soon anyway so I didn't think much about it. Then my eye begins to feel irritated, like there's something stuck inside it. I'm scratching my eye, about to gouge it out and I see a faint little line. I was like, no way is that my contact. Then I pulled my contact out of my eye, and was like holy shit, that was under my eyelid the whole time. Stupid contact. So I went to the bathroom and had an interesting encounter/conversation with my Algebra 1A teacher from last semester. She is the one that turned me in for writing suicidal things, and drawing sick and twisted pictures of people dying. I was minding my own buisness doing my thing, and she walk up behind me and just reads my shit. I was deeply depressed so I didn't give a fuck about who read it, or what they thought about me. She calls the school counsler after I leave, who calls my MOM, and my dear sweet mother calls a therapist at this place called "Four Rivers Behaviorial Health Center" WITHOUT consulting me. I don't have a behavior problem, I just wanted to die. When I get home she rushes me to that place of torment and I have to talk to that guy about wanting to kill myself. It was just a phase I was going through. Everything in my life felt like it was falling apart. My parents were getting divorced.. and I was just losing it. Did they expect me to be all peppy about it? So... my teacher asks me how I'm doing, and how everything at home is. I'm thinking, "How the hell does this bitch know about my home life??? Who told her? Jesus do ALL the teachers talk about the fucking dysfunctional kids in the school??" I was just shocked to know that she was asking about MY life. I told her about my dad moving out, and I told her that everything was going to be okay. I didn't tell her everything. It wasn't her buisness anyway. So yeah. We have a few minutes left in this class. I'm still debating with myself about the whole tounge ring deal. I'm not sure. I better shut the computer off, or something.. 

^Random::^:_:A song I'm _really really fond of:

Paperdoll by Kittie

I look at her in that paper dress
I wonder why she won't burn
She's just a paper doll, that's all
just a paper doll.

I dress her up she knocks me down [x2]

They try her on for size,
she fits nice one size fits all. [2]

Now her soul is dead,
now her body's raw,
you can numb her pain.

Watch the blood run down her face,
but don't take notice
and watch the blood run down her arms
please don't take notice

I know you have her soul,
and I see it in your eyes
She knows you have her soul,
and she sees it in your.. eyes

Now her soul is dead,
now her body's raw,
wash away her pain.

She wants you to eat her pain,
she wants you to eat her remains [x2]

It's late. I'm at home. Waiting for Jake to call. Blah Blaa. I feel like singing. I am afraid I am starting to get sleep-happy.

Just waiting for my mom to lose it

Everything is peachy. Goodnight

Things have been hectic lately. My dad left. I broke down Saturday night, my English grade is dropping, I'm failing Life Skills. How do you fail Life Skills? This kid in my class is singing Nirvana incorrectly.. he's totally getting the lyrics wrong, it annoys me. Man I have alot to bitch about. What the hell... now he's singing Janie's Got A Gun.. haha wow. It's been forever since I heard that. Hmm This is random and pointless. Now they are making fun of people with eating disorders. They told this girl she was fat cause she was eating ONE piece of fucking fudge.. now they are saying she's going to go home and barf all over herself. Fucking ignorant morons. It just makes me mad. What if she really is bulemic? What if she dies from starving herself, just from one comment. Fucking immature jackasses don't realize that sometimes what they say matters. They've probably gone their whole life, not having anyone listen to them.. or not pay attention to them. They don't know the damage a few words could do.. but anyways... is it wrong for me to be glad that my father is gone? All the years of him screaming.. should I be happy? It's confusing. It's only been what, a day without him around the house, and it feels.. empty. It is just diffrent. It's just my mom, sisters and me. We can get around on our own just fine I think. It might even be better for everyone now that he isn't there to scream and call us things.. but whatever.. I'm not getting into my whole life story. I have so much time left in this class and I'm just rambling. I want to go somewhere with Jake(my boyfriend) this weekend, but it might be better if I stay home for a little while, and let things cool off. Amanda(my older sister) is wanting me to go with her to get her ears pierced. She's gonne get holes in them.. I don't know how to explain it. She was gonna take me to get my tounge pierced, but she's called 3 places and I either have to be 16, or they have to have a document saying that she is my legal guardian. I wish she was. It would be so much nicer living with her.

I went to cracker barrel with Jake, his parents, and his little brother out to eat Saturday. It was nice. I didn't get as nervous as I thought I would. After we ate, (btw I had a delicious grilled chicken BLT on toasted sourdough bread, with mayo, lettuce, a tomatoe, bacon, and melted cheddar cheese *drools*) we went and bought some stuff in the little store that they have. I bought a light blue shirt that says "Slinky It's fun for a girl or a boy" and I had the intention (and money) to buy a Gumby doll, but Jake bought it for me.. That shit is like so old-skool. I remember sitting 3 inches away from the screen watching it when I was 7. They didn't have Pokey though. They spent like.. 200 dollars in there. Oh that brings up a question.... Why do we put the dollar sign($) in front of the amount, when we say "dollar/s" after the amount? I mean honestly. Why don't we say dollars 200 because the dollar sign is before the amount, $200. Instead we say 200 dollars. I think we should write it like: 200$. Isn't there some sort of other currency sign that comes after the amount? Yeah. That has always been one of those.. "unanswered questions" hmm 12:27, and we leave at 12:57.. which gives me 30 more minutes to waste. Any suggestions?

What a night.

That's all I have to say.

This is so weird. I have a charlie horse in my tricep. I guess that's how you spell it. Haha I had to ask justin which muscle it was.. bicep in on top, tricep is on bottom. Wow.. it's just spazzing out. Hmm I have to go do a flyer.. ill type more later.

I ♥ JAKE!!!